Revealed: the private equity psyche test

You are walking behind an old woman and she unknowingly drops $20 on the sidewalk. Do you:

  • A) Call out to her that she has dropped her money;
  • B) Wait until the end of the quarter to wire her the funds, minus your transaction fee;
  • C) Lever it up five-to-one and order a Kobe steak salad with truffles;
  • D) First confirm the tax jurisdiction of the sidewalk in question. You are the only person on a small island in the middle of a large ocean. You hear a voice telling you to jump into the water and begin swimming east. You then:

  • A) Determine whether this is the voice of a junior partner who does not receive carry;
  • B) Dive in, taking heart that you retain optionality in your island ownership interest;
  • C) Respond that you just shut down your Tokyo office and have no desire to try again;
  • D) Stay put because there's a clawback waiting for you back home. The image you see (right) reminds you of:

  • A) A tomato thrown at your last investor meeting;
  • B) Your lunch after you learned an anchor LP would not be re-upping;
  • C) The back of your head after a paintball off-site;
  • D) The landscape painting you did to fulfill your college art requirement. You are lost and hungry in a dark forest, and come across a fruit tree with a “for sale” sign on it. Do you:

  • A) Buy the tree on behalf of your fund but fruit-dividend a meal for yourself;
  • B) Have the tree agree to be acquired, but hope it backs out, giving you a 50-fruit break-up fee;
  • C) Proudly claim this as proprietary deal flow;
  • D) Keep walking because you don't want to be accused of style drift.